I'm feeling mopey again, even in the summer!...I was in a good mood earlier, but all of a sudden it came crashing down...like it always does...it's nothing unusual...

Here's why, folks: Hi, my name's Dani, and I may be depressed...

I'm not overreacting, it's DAMN true...it really all started back when school was still in session, when Mom found out about my two C's in French and Math...by that time, I had really given up on both of them. Why? I don't FRIGGIN' know why; I just STOPPED...I probably was being lazy; I don't remember anymore.

But anyways...
Mom was disappointed in my grades and wouldn't let me go to the AniZona, which I took pretty well(according to her standards), but it was after that I started becoming stressed.

No matter how hard I studied, I really couldn't bring my grades up, and my parents kept on pressuring me to do better, almost to the point of insanity...I really didn't know how bad it was getting until that day in French...

Our teacher had just given us a pop quiz and gave us five minutes to study, which I used every minute of it, but when we started my mind went completely blank. Either I studied over something that wasn't on there or didn't study the right thing; I dunno...but I ended up getting 2 out of 5 correct.

If you know me, I don't do D's and F's very well, so after the grading process I looked at my left thumbnail and the back of my right hand, watching the nail scrape the skin off. I was so distraught, I hardly felt anything, no pain, no nothing...and I made a policy pact with myself...'If you remember the pain, you'll do well, and if you don't do well you'll experience new pain to make up for it.' Lemme tell you, I couldn't scrape my now-scarred hand again, so my self-pact actually worked...I passed all my classes.

But that's not the only reason why I think I'm depressed...at least at one point of the day I ask myself on how people would react if I died tomorrow and how I would die...one day it got so bad I raved and sobbed in the family room when Mom was gone, crying to God and asking Him 'Where are You?!' and "Why can't I feel You?!" I even went over to the knives and sharpened the butcher knife, testing its sharpness on my arm hairs.

It was at that point I stopped myself from doing the unthinkable, and I'm still here, contemplating if I should go ahead and let Mom(I'm so proud of her; she took everything so well and didn't flip out like I thought she would when I told her)sign me up for an appointment with the doctor for anti-depressents...she told me to wait for a week and then let her know how I was feeling then...well, that was actually almost a week, and I'm feeling mopey and sad now, so I might just go get the prescription after I get home from my grandparents...

I'm gonna go to bed now...G'night.

~Dani